Strider: Ready Boo? (Boo-Laugh) It’s time to look at Disney’s *greatest* movie botch-ups! While Disney movies have helped shape our world as long as cartoons have existed… for every ten *good* Disney movies, there’s one… *REALLY* bad one! For a movie to make this list, it has to be more than a mediocre Disney flick. It has to be annoying, insultingly stupid, sickly sweet, or just. Plain. *BAD.* Matthew Broderick: (Shaking) Nooo! Strider: In our onslaught of Disney bombs, Direct to DVD’s will *not* be spared! If Disney’s logo is on it, it’s allowed on this list. So let’s take a look back at the “Top 10 Worst Disney Movies of All Time.” As always, if you do like these shows, that’s great! It’s just my silly personal opinion, and it’s great that you can enjoy something that I can’t. Anyway, onto the countdown! Number 10… “Mulan II” … (Groans) Man, I loved the original “Mulan!” It’s among my favorite Disney movies of all time! I know it wasn’t that aesthetically perfect, but I always got so absorbed in the Chinese atmosphere, the setting, the characters, Mulan’s struggle! I *really* liked it all! So it *really* hit me hard when I watched “Mulan II.” Take all that time, character development for Mulan and Mushu… Now, turn Mushu into the most petty, tiny brained, shallow, most selfish creature, and *that’s it*! This time, Mushu’s our villain! Because he’s trying to keep Mulan and Shang apart from marrying… Mulan: I haven’t left my post! Shang: And I suppose you weren’t gossiping about me with the princesses! Strider: Ah, Jeebus-Are we *really going this route? *SURELY* we can come up with a better premise than this! Here! I’ll do one for you right now! Why not bring that ruthless Hun Shan-Yu back as a ghost? Then, Shan possesses the Emperor and forces all of China into a state of moral disarray, and public unrest! Forcing children to question the very foundation of the positive morals that Disney movies so often invoke! Okay, I got a bit carried away, but you probably get my point. Any of us can come up with a much more compelling sequel in *10 seconds* than “Mulan II”! Surely, the champion of China, who single-handedly defeated an *entire* Hun army by herself, and was offered to be the freaking Emperor’s personal guard… Would have a *SLIGHTLY* more interesting story than this! The only thing I kind of like was Mulan’s three army buddies return. They get these lovely girlfriends who are just the *sweteest* things! (Yao struggling and choking some)
Yao’s Princess: (Gently) Oh, look how great you’re doing. Yao: Thank you… Strider: Couldn’t they have made the movie about these three couples? It’s far more enjoyable to watch them! “Mulan II” is a *tragically* bad sequel to one of my favorite Disney movies *of all time!* And the songs… Oh GOD the songs… Mulan: You have Balaaaa(holding the note for too long)aance!
Children: Lesson number (repeated 4 times) Les-son Num-BER OOOONE!
(Strider pounding the table in agony) (Song finally ends with a snap, Strider hits his head into the desk) And, for number nine… “Teen Beach Movie” Imagine the Jonas Brothers, “High School Musical,” and “Justin Bieber all mashed together into one 90 minute, unholy, vile, tween mush! *THAT* is the “Teen Beach Movie!” Song: I’m Tanner! (Sax plays) C-Kat! (Sax plays) Giggles! Strider: (Groans) How many pandering teen dramas is Disney gonna pump out!? I can just read the plot’s summary, and that alone makes me groan! Two surfing lovers, whose *doomed* relationship is nearing to a close… find themselves *magically* in a filming of “Wet Side Story!” This movie makes *NO* attempt to make sense! All it managed to do is make me *squirm* in discomfort for 90 minutes! At least “Shake It Up!” was over in 20 minutes! I had to take pee breaks with this one! Followed by crying in the mirror at the sad state of entertainment! And the movie will just randomly *burst* into songs, seemingly for no rhyme or reason! Over than to desperately attempt fill a 90 minute run time with some flashy dancing, and something they’re hoping the teens will relate to! Weird movie girl: You should make like the ocean, and wave good-bye! (Giggles) (Jaw drop Disney-thunk as Genie gasps) Strider: (Defeated) You should make like the ocean and wave good-bye…? I’ve heard some dumb jokes before, but that is really, *really* stupid. And the music scenes just keep going! I mean, most of the teens know would only enjoy this if each of these guys was getting kicked in the groin! Or in a skateboard accident! This one’s pretty high on the list because, honestly, the main two teen actors aren’t terrible. They’re not great, though Brady [played by Ross Lynch] and McKenzie [played by Debby Ryan] are still *a lot* better than some of the other Disney Channel teen acting. “Teen Beach Movie” just *reeks* of so many stereotypes! It just feels like one of those big, massive, marketing conglomerates. And I think I can definitely recommend a skip-it. McKenzie: … Someone won’t chu make. It. STOP! Number eight… “Mars Needs Moms” (Record scratch Strider: (Shouts in fear) Oh God! What the hell is that!? This CG isn’t endearing! It’s terrifying! This movie has some the most *disturbing* looking CG I’ve ever seen! In fact.. It’s so *squarely* in the uncanny valley that the aliens actually look more like humans than the Earthlings do! Child: Yes! Yes! Yes! Strider: (Growls) Stop moving! Any movements in these bizarre organisms looks like something out of a David Lynch horror movie! They look like waxy, dead-eyed mannequins come to life by Satanic rituals! And the scripting in this is some of the most sterile, dull, cut-out lines I’ve ever heard! I don’t know if it’s just the animation doing it, but the delivery coming from these abominations of nature just seems *wrong* somehow! Boy: A world of trash… It *is* awesome! Strider: (Record scratch) Wait. WHAT!? A world of trash is… How is a world of trash in *any* way awesome!? That’s the most *forced* whimsical line in this entire movie! It’s-it’s not even whimsical! Why is there whimsical music playing!? It looks like he’s standing in the fires of Hell! How is this even remotely whimsical!? Did no one in Disney production studio ever *look* at what they were making and say, “Hey! This CG looks like it belongs in a zombie horror!”? Maybe we should just do it live action! Most of the backgrounds are these ugly, crap coloured browns, greens, or are so dark you can’t even make out what you’re meant to be looking at! This one’s also pretty high on the list because, despite the disturbing, uncanny CG, the ideas behind things like the alien civilization are kind of creative. I mean, the movie’s surreal, nonsensical, and is better used as a paperweight, but points for trying. The story’s painfully predictable, any whimsy is forced down your throat, and the characters are all as bland as tofu. *And* it is just *HIDEOUS* to look at! “Mars Needs Moms” wasn’t needed by anyone! And the seventh worst is… “Beauty and the Beast: Belle’s Magical World” [this is not the Christmas movie, one is “Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas”] I think they meant to name it “Belle and Beast’s Mind-Numbingly Stupid Dinner Quarrels” but I guess “Belle’s Magical World” rolls off the tongue a little bit better. Get this amazing plot: Beast acts like a petty jerk, and upsets Belle at the dinner table! I’m hyped? While the original “Beauty and the Beast” is among probably the 3 greatest Disney movies of all time… This sequel just repeatedly shat on it! And the arguments these two have are just so… brainlessly petty and stupid! Beast: I will neverrrrr a-POLOGIZE! I think… Beast opened a drafty window to try and get rid of Belle, or something, and then Belle called Beast rude I think? I swear! There have been more intelligent partner quarrels with Barbie and Ken dolls! So then they forgive each other when Beast writes a letter of apology. Then literally two seconds after, Belle gets annoyed at Beast for crunching peanuts too loud… Belle: Then drew herself up courageously for the… …journey ahead. Do you like it so far? (Strider’s hand thuds on the desk)
Beast: Mmm, yes. Keep reading. Strider: (Fed up) DO SOMETHING! Beast: (Incoherently mumbles confused) Strider: (Hand drops and clatters, followed by head as the movie rambles) Strider: (Growls) I’m only 10 minutes in too! There’s another *EIGHTY MINUTES* left of this thing! Oh! Then it turns out Beast didn’t write the letter and apologize… Oh God, it-it just keeps going like this… Doesn’t it? On top of that, the animation looks like it was done on a 2 cent budget! “Belle’s Magical World” is stupid, awkward, *tedious* beyond belief and craps on one of the greatest Disney movies of all time! It is so insultingly petty and simplistic that I find find the original move *less* good after watching this! Then, I think, the duster gets Seasonal Affective Disorder and Belle decides to throw [her] a party? Resulting in talking oven gloves? Oh JEEBUS! I can’t take it anymore! LIGHT IT UP! Aaand for number six… “Home on the Range” Blegk! (Belching) Strider: Walt must be spinning in his grave! Where to start with this *vile* thing? The animation is tacky, and the writing could only be appreciated by those who can’t count past 2 on their fingers! Every aspect of this show will be unappealing in some way to those over four! It took me right back to that traumatic place that was “Fanboy & Chum Chum!” Where they’ve made *no* effort to make coherent writing! The characters are all just that sickly, happy, insincere flavor! It’s just… Eewugh! This was one I knew from the start would or course be on the list! I can’t think of how Disney could’ve lowered the bar further apart from making an outright Barney the Dinosaur movie! And they actually had some real voice talents in here! And the thing is, it has some scenes that really aren’t suitable for its young child demographic. A horse causes massive head-trauma to a guy, and he draws a freaking knife! Coz, that’s a good message to children! When you’re in danger, draw a knife! Generally, when I hear people talk about this show, they tend to refer to this as the big decline in Disney movies. This is when Disney movies were their absolute worst. And that’s definitely understandable! “Home on the Range” is just lazy, and is far below what we’ve come to expect from Disney. Cow: Yeah, they’re real. Female voice: Quit staring Aaand for number five… “Planes.” One of the biggest, shameless cash-grabs Disney has “ever” done! A movie has to be a very special kind of failure to be a cash-grab spin-off of a cash-grab sequel [of a] cash-grab! When Disney saw how profitable thoughtless garbage like “Cars” 1 and 2 had made Pixar, they thought, “Screw our reputation! Let’s make a crappy movie purely to sell merchandise!” “I mean, it’s only kids, right!? What do they know?” The absolute *best* phrase I’ve heard for this movie is, “It’s a passable diversion for Under-10’s!” This movie is just so… VOID of originality! And the concept is just. So. *STUPID!* They’re just talking planes. There’s no cleverness on how they talk, or why they talk, they just talk. And our hero is a plane that is… afraid of heights! Well, whaddaya think’s gonna happen? Do you think he’s gonna.. *BELIEVE IN HIMSELF* and magically get over his fear of heights? Is there anything else that could possibly happen in this predictable garbage heap? The only plus is, as you’ve probably noticed, it’s visually pleasing in that “artificial, CG, overly shiny” toys kind of way. It was almost like they were designing it to market toys for children rather than actually making a good movie! I’d expect this kind of cash grab from Michael Bay, but we tend to expect more of an animation studio that is nearly a century old! And prides itself on making amazing family movies. The characters just talk, and talk, endlessly. Plane 1: Really, how hard is this? Plane 2: Fly straight, turn around, fly straight, turn around (fading and Strider jumps awake) If I tune out from boredom from listening to these guys as an adult, how is someone under 10 not meant to be kicking the seat in front of them 30 seconds in? The plot is as weak as water, the lines and writing are as dull as dishwater, it’s purely a bland loaf of tofu that was interesting only to under 10’s purely for its colourful visuals. And the fourth worst is… “G-Force” (Liquid-like farting noise)
Three mice: (Sarcastically) Ooh! The horror! The horror! Strider: Bad CG Guinea Pigs and fart jokes surrounded by *endless* pop culture references! All under the banner of Disney! Every single *BAD* fart joke just falls flat on its face! Some shoddy movies will insert whatever flavour of the month pop-singer is popular at the time into their movies. “G-Force” does this over 13 times! Every time I think I’m getting *slightly* immersed in this movie, some annoying pop singer jars the experience by breaking into song out of nowhere! Often singing right over the top of the actual characters! I go to Disney movies to ESCAPE the mainstream obsession with Lady Gaga and Flo Rida! Couldn’t they have spent some of that $150 *MILLION* budget on some of their own orchestrated music!? Or did it all go into royalties to Flo Rida? Everything in “G-Force” feels like it’s ticking some box off for shareholders to assure it appeals to mainstream! Mimicking writers: Look! The Guinea Pig’s playing “DDR!” That was popular in 2005, right? Look! That Guinea Pig’s on Facebook! That-That’s popular, right? Normal: This is just Disney’s outright equivalent to “Smurfs” or [the 2007 version of] “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” And it’s so. Obnoxiously. Loouud! Half the time the Guinea Pigs will be yelling about something and it’ll be so generic I won’t even notice what they’re saying! I’ll just feel… more annoyed afterwards for some reason. Black Guinea Pig: Get off the road fool! I ain’t used to driving stick! Come back when you’re older! They’ll put you in prison! Strider: “G-Force” has unlikable characters, is annoying, and feels like a corporate scheme to empty your wallet. It represents all the  “Alvin and the Chipmunks,” all those damn “Smurf” movies, it is just a watered down, annoying, computer graphics garbage heap. Aand for number 3… (Angrily) “In-spect-or Gadg-et TWO” (Groans) I’m convinced! Someone at Disney’s clearly working for Dreamworks! Because movies like this just seem to be made purely to sabotage the company! The original “Inspector Gadget” movie was panned for being a drab load of bile. The effects were terrible, the main character an incredibly dull performance, and the story made no sense! It was… Just a mess! So they decided to make a sequel… Because they thought, “Hey! Our last movie was only boring! Let’s make this one both boring *and* insulting!” “Let’s make it assault all the senses of our viewers at once!” “Instead of Matthew Broderick, let’s have French Stuart!” Responsible for such *stellar* Disney performances as… The Chihuahua from “Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2…” Yet somehow this movie managed to be the biggest coffee stain on his Resume! Gadget: Remember kids! Brush twice a day. Strider: What did the directors say to this guy? Mocking director: Okay, listen up, French. By the time this movie is ends, the audience should hate you, and I mean absolutely despise you! Strider: So we start the movie with French pulling over an old lady for going ***0.3*** miles per hour over the speed limit! Geesh! What a charming guy! Then he forcefully handcuffs her. Gadget: Penny, I thought we agreed you’d call me *Inspector*! Strider: Oh, look at that! He’s sticking his nose up at Penny, telling her [she] must refer to him by his rank! What a lovable, relatable character? “Inspector Gadget 2” is a loud, irritating, unlikable, relentless, seizure inducing Ugly-Fest that wasn’t just forgettable like the original, it topped the original by being insultingly obnoxious as well! Luckily for Disney, it was quickly forgotten. And for number 2… “Hannah Montana: The Movie…” (Groans in pain and speaks annoyed) I hate Hannah Montana *so much!* Imagine all of the garbage of Disney Channel, all the lousy teen acting, all the terrible writing, all the tweeny bop songs, all the formulaic, manipulative stories into one, big, ultimate, cinema cow pie. Miley Cyrus… How do networks continually expect us to root for these unlikable, arrogant, over-entitled, spoiled teens anyway? I mean, Miley is self-absorbed, she throws tantrums, and is painfully materialistic. She dresses trashy, insults the intelligence of teens, writes one of the stupidest, most formulaic, manipulative songs I’ve ever heard, there’s just… *Nothing* to like here! I just get so tired of these twisted morals behind “Hannah Montana.” This ugly underlying theme of, “To be happy you must immerse yourself in consumerism.” “And become a completely self-absorbed pop-singer.” I’ve gone on about “Hannah Montana” before in my “Top 10 Worst Disney Channel” so I’ll leave it at: “It’s a ‘Hannah Montana’ movie. Think of all the worst aspects of the Disney Channel, and then compile that into one movie.” There’s no forgiving this one, Disney. It’s yet another shameless cash-grab. And an attempt to manipulate a very fragile, moldable demographic. Shame on you, Disney! SHAME! I hope, for at least a little while, not to cross paths with Miley Cyrus again. Before we get to Number One, I’d like to give a few quick “Honorable Mentions.” “The Black Cauldron* I couldn’t put it on the list purely because the animation in this one is *beautiful* traditional Disney style. And ideas like The Horned King are just *wonderful* Fantasy! “Cinderella II” Sure, it’s a bad, shoddy, tacky Direct-to-DVD Sequel, but I have just always been in love with Jennifer Hale’s voice! Cinderella: Are you sure this isn’t just a dream? Strider: So I couldn’t hate this movie, ‘coz she plays Cinderella. And Tress MacNeille gives a lovely performance as always too. Sure, they’re working with zero writing, but they still make it pleasant enough. “Lion King 1 & 1/2” Dammit! I wanted to make fun of this show! But you know what? It’s actually *really* funny! All the way through this one, I was laughing! Timon and Puumba make this a really funny movie. And I actually really recommend it! “Song of the South” This one gets a lot of flack, but I honestly didn’t think it was *that* bad. Obviously the African-Americans being slaves is an unpleasant product of the times, but aside from that, but aside from that, hey, we get “Zippity-Doo-Dah” from this movie! It’s not good, but I don’t think it quite deserves a place on this list. And with those said… Here we go. And the number 1 worst Disney movie is… “Chicken Little” No other Disney movie has had so much *hate* so much mean spirited cruelty SO MANY HORRIBLE MESSAGES all aimed at an under 10 demographic! This is the *only* time I felt that same pointlessly black, cruel spirit in a Disney movie that I felt in “Family Guy.” Imagine a magical world… Run by Backstabbing. Shallow. Cruel. Heartless. *Animals!* That actively bully, punish, and physically assault our main character. Now, to me, that sounds like a terrible idea for a Disney movie. But to add icing to that brown shapely pile we’re forming… They decided to make the father just as actively neglectful and cruel as the rest of the town! Child neglect… Isn’t that just ‘charming…’ I mean, look at this, the freaking box is the main character mooning us! This movie just does *everything* it can to insult you! And on top of that, this movie is so Pug FUGLY! This was Disney’s first attempt at a CG movie. And it is just *hideous*! As well as all the animals looking *wrong* somehow… The colours are all these strange, dark tinges of puke They’re all these strange orangey-greens and washed out browns. At least in movies like “Black Cauldron” it was pleasant to look at! But “Chicken Little” has easily the most unappealing colour scheme I’ve ever seen in a Disney movie. 4 minutes into the movie, and the character’s already been *shunned* and physically assaulted by the town. Why is he being treated like some sort of war criminal? “What did he do?” you ask. Mass arson? genocide? No! Worse than that! He mistakenly claimed that the sky was falling! Okay, first off, why would an entire town actually believe that the sky was falling? Did no one just, I dunno, look up and say, “Oh, wait! No it isn’t!” Secondly, why on Earth would someone get bad publicity for the rest of their life for claiming that the sky was falling? The movie is then set a *YEAR* later! And the entire town is *STILL* abusing him! How the hell is this a Disney movie? I mean, the [Gym] Teacher makes Dodgeball games all about ganging up on and hitting all the unpopular kids! So we get to watch helpless children getting the crap beaten out of them! (Clearly uncomfortable) I-isn’t that just… lovely? Singing: Ev’ry-body dance now! Strider: No, get rid of the nice music! This is the nastiest Disney movie I’ve ever watched! Cars will actively attempt to run him over in the street! And I, again, would like to reiterate, this is a ***DISNEY*** movie! The jokes are *all* cringe-worthy! None of them hit! It’s the most stupid, cruel, ugly, nasty, boring, forgettable Disney movie I’ve ever watched! For Jeebus sake! Don’t show this one to kids! It has the worst messages I’ve ever seen in a Disney movie. Shun, attack, and abuse the unpopular, and praise the popular! I can tolerate Disney cheese, I can even sometimes tolerate their cutesy, sappy moments in the tweeny cash-grabs. But there was no excuse for something like this. I, personally, consider “Chicken Little” the absolute worst Disney movie of all time. But, I had to look pretty hard to find these, ouright, terrible Disney movies, With a few exceptions, Disney often gives us fresh, new ideas for stories. Or a genius re-telling of an old story. Disney has given us masterpieces that were so revolutionary for their time that they could’ve closed their company 50 years ago! But instead, they have been endlessly improving their art, growing with the times, and growing with our society. And I think they often manage to use movies to make the world a little bit brighter. So even if we get some crap occasionally, I’m so glad we still have Disney. Do you think I missed a few particularly bad ones? I know there’s a few that didn’t *quite* make the list. so feel free to let me know in the comments. and, as always, thanks for watching. And I’ll see you next time. Subtitled by Jadrek Myers. Commissioned by Phantom Strider