It’s time to shamelessly steamroll the third and final network on our list! The Disney Channel I, honestly, wondered how Disney Channel could NOT be brilliant before I saw it. A channel run by Disney, freaking Disney! The massive animation giants of the universe! They have been molding the childhood of mankind for over 75 years. How could they not be brilliant at this? But JEEBUS! Pickle: That wasn’t on my butt this morning. Modern Disney Channel seems to be in the twisted hands of the masterminds behind High School Musical. While Nickelodeon just seemed to let the kids go nuts on stage, there’s this real sense of corporate control behind these Disney shows. Somehow, the actors are even more excruciating to watch then the Nickelodeon shows! Instead of just bad acting, the teen actors all seem to be dying inside every moment they’re onstage! But let’s take a look together. Let’s take a look back at the top 10 WORST Disney channel shows of all time. And as always, if you do like these shows, that’s great. At this point, I am so far out of my demographic that I simply hope my reviews of these shows might be interesting. So, take this list with a pinch of salt. Anyway, onto the countdown! “Sooo Random!” (Billy Mays voice): Hey there, you young, impressionable teens! Do you like that weird show your mom watches when you’re sick home *from* school? Well, have we got something for you! Presenting “Sooo Random!” We take everything to the extreme! (like late 90s extreme) We’ve got Helmet Ninjas! Zombie man, but shaking! (oooh!) Even our co-hosts never stop dancing to the rad! You’ll be so confused by our constantly screaming audience that you won’t know if we actually said anything funny or not! Aren’t we rad? “Sooo Random!” reaches new heights on the pander scale. We’re bombarded with constant cringingly bad skits with co-hosts so unfunny that make an autopsy seem hilarious! Teacher: Hand in your homework. (door opening followed by I think a human exclamation sound?) Student: You’re not gonna believe it! PhantomStrider: And, oh yeah, they sing too… Teacher: (bad accent) Two farty! I’m too farty! (240…get it!) PhantomStrider: Oh, that’s kind of cute… They start with a foreign teacher making the word “forty” sound like “farty”. Good ol’ Disney racism. Moving on. This shows— Teacher: Farty! Farty! (this goes on for some time…) PhantomStrider: ALRIGHT! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! (wait for it) FARTY! I never thought I’d see a teenage equivalent to Ellen, but here it is… Instead of 40 something happy Madison women bopping around to one of the most tone-deaf beats ever recorded, we’ve got 16 something teens bopping to bad rapping. I can’t put so random any lower on the list because, honestly, a small portion of the jokes are okay. They actually do a really clever parody of Taylor Swift and Fred in the first episode, which actually had me chuckling. Most of these jokes are cringingly bad, but the first 1 minute of the show was actually okay. (I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth) NOT ANYMORE! “Fish Hooks” “Fish Hooks” is a bizarre combination. It’s part bad “Spongebob” and part high school drama, because someone in Disney actually thought teenage fishes was going to attract the young hip crowd! Pink Fishy: Yeah, bring on the party. I guess, at this point, Disney Channel executives just said screw it! We’ve tried everything else! Why not go with a teenage fish drama? Old SpongeBob episodes knew that there was room in cartoons for a little ugly footage to catch the viewers attention, if used sparingly! (key word: sparingly) But “Fish Hooks” just looks hideous! Look at this monstrosity of nature! It looks like roadkill Garfield reanimated by the powers of the undead! I mean, the characters aren’t quite desk slammingly infuriating, But the main character got under my skin very quickly. Interesting fact: The 1933 “Fish Hooky” movie was rated far superior to this show, having twice the rating, and who can blame them? How can “Fish Hooks” compare to stellar acting like this? (a mix between a little girl and injured dolphin) You probably get my point. You really have to infuriate your fan-base to get half the rating of an 80-year-old “Little Rascal” short. This one’s pretty high on the list as well because it does try to be creative at times. And it’s got some great voice talents like Rick and Morty. Morty: Uh, you want to play some banjo rocks star this afternoon? PhantomStrider: But generally “Fish Hooks” is just a watered-down high school drama with a hint of bad Spongebob thrown in. It’s not horrendous, but I’d personally give it a skip. “Jessie” Here’s an idea. Let’s watch the bland life of a young nanny where absolutely nothing funny happens! Doesn’t that sound like fun? BOOOOO! Alright, then let’s make fun of it!>=) “Jessie” is the definition of an awkward sitcom. I feel like I want to laugh at their awkwardly delivered lines as the family Jesse looks after is likable. But DAYUM! It’s such a bland, unfunny sitcom that I can only ever watch and go, “huh, interesting”. I can never quite figure out what emotion Jessie is going for. She seems to be in this constant dilemma between realizing she farted in a church and needing to pee. We’re essentially just watching the life of an older teenage girl as a nanny. I will say once I heard this damn theme song, I could not get it out of my head all week. And maybe that’s some of the sticking factor of this show. (Jessie theme song) *record screech* I don’t blame these kids for being unfunny. I mean, what are they eight years old? Personally, I could barely socialize at that age. But when you make four seasons of this constantly awkward bad acting and continually add laugh tracks after every sentence, this makes for a devastatingly boring sitcom. Girl: She’s picking her nose. PhantomStrider: But I can’t hate this show because the concept’s so cute. I wish all the best for Jessie, the butler, and the kids. I just can’t stand their acting. I will say that everyone and everything in this show looks absolutely gorgeous. Even the freaking lizard looks like it’s ready for a spot on Oprah. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or the lighting or what, but the color scheme of Jessie is very vibrant and eye-catching. If the acting wasn’t so abysmal and the setting wasn’t so dull, I would have actually given this one a pass. Personally, I give Jessie a skip. …ah, screw it! One more time! (Jessie theme song) “Prank Stars”. I don’t know about you, but when I think Disney, I think of watching that lady from “Jessie” hucking up the gunk in the back of her throat and coughing it out. Lady: Don’t cough in the dress! (coughing/vomiting noises) Lady: Do you still wanna try it on? For this next genius Disney idea, a Disney actor’s biggest fan is contacted. Then they are, quote-unquote, “pranked” by meeting their favorite Disney Channel celebrities? I’m confused. How is this a prank? I mean, they’ll occasionally disguise themselves, but don’t pranks generally involve some sort of misfortune occurring to someone? Like, couldn’t you at least a thrown a pie in their face or something? Watching these Disney actors give an even less heartfelt performance than if they were on camera seems more like a disservice to their biggest fans. Like, I’m a huge fan of Weird Al, but if I had to watch him put up with me for an hour in some stupid disguise or pretense, I’d just feel bad for him. 30% of the footage is the pranking, the other 70% is the actors talking about how clever the prank was. But, hey, clearly I wasn’t the only one who thought it was bad. The series only got to four episodes before being canned. So, at least Disney admits this one was a major mistake. Cringe-worthy acting and a stupid concept. “Prank Stars” is definitely worth avoiding. (those delightful gagging sounds) “Austin and Ally” Okay, problem one, that is the stupidest most hippie-dippie haircut I have ever seen. Problem two: these two male actors are incredibly aggravating to watch! The doll: I like pancakes. Austin: It’s true! I DO like pancakes! They’re not charming, their jokes aren’t clever, the skits are about as unfunny as tween sitcoms get. I mean look at this joke! Boy: Got it! That was gross. In fact, it is so gross that even the canned laughter track couldn’t laugh at it. They just groan in disgust. Three: that is such a stupid hippie-dippie haircut!!! I hate it! Donald Trump wears a better toupee than that! Fourth: they have the same stupid setup for every episode. Girl: Guess who got a job at the Yo-Yo Cart? Guess who got a job at the dry cleaner’s? Guess who got a job at the Halloween Auditorium? PhantomStrider: Who would hire a girl who quits her job every single day?! Youth unemployment is at an all-time high right now! It’s hard enough to get a freaking job at Pizza Hut. (by the by, current subtitler works there XD) Though, I guess it would be less funny if she walked in every episode and went: “Guess who’s unemployed?” “Guess who sold everything on eBay?” “Guess who got kicked out of the YMCA?” Why do the actors always look like they’re in constant agony whenever they’re onstage? I don’t know why Disney’s performances are always so wooden. Can’t they at least try to look like they’re genuinely having fun? Awful dialogue, unfunny jokes, and cliche characters. “Austin and Ally” is well worth skipping “Two More Eggs” I freaking love Homestar Runner and Strongbad. They’re my absolute favorite favorite internet memories. The Brothers Chaps are an amazing team. When I heard they were doing new episodes in 2015, I was thrilled. But unfortunately, “Two More Eggs” is not their best work. In fact, it is by far the absolute worst work they’ve ever done. These were a collection of shorts they were contracted to do by the Disney Channel. But somehow these turned out to be a disaster. These shorts just have absolutely zero structure or direction. The first two shorts I watched were about one of the brothers trying to do origami with crackers and playing with toys in the backyard. But, in all honesty, there’s more creativity in these two minutes shorts than any of the sitcoms on here. So. you can’t fault them for not being creative. It’s just absolutely zero structure. Luckily, most people don’t seem to know about these shorts. And The Brothers Chaps don’t deserve to have their reputation stained by their attempts to work with the Disney Channel. Disney Channel shows these shorts are free on YouTube actually. They’re terrible, but I’ve left the link to the description if you are curious. This Guy: Hey, guys! What about grain? PhantomStrider: Aw, come on guys! Go back to Homestar, please? “A.N.T. Farm” (obnoxious snorting) Boy: I’m off to the beauty parlor. La-la-la! (Roger cringes HARDCORE) No, no, no, no! You cannot be serious that Disney, freaking Disney, was okay with that performance!!! I’m sorry, but if anyone showed up to any normal audition theater and gave that performance, they would be pelted with tomatoes, thrown out of the audition studio, and never be allowed to work in entertainment again. I cannot believe this is how far we have sunk. We have actually come across acting that makes Nickelodeon sitcoms look like stellar, heartfelt performances! The only upside is that Cameron Parks did give a good performance for his age and should be commended. If he wasn’t surrounded by performances that would make a second grade drama teacher go insane, he’d really bring the show alive Boy: Why don’t you take a seat and we’ll get started on your portrait. (STRIP!) That is just nasty! First, we get an acting performance that would make the blind and deaf cringe. Now, we get elderly women dressing up like Hooters employees on Japanese Businessman night! “A.N.T. Farm” is badly written, horribly directed, and simultaneously made me feel like shuddering, losing my lunch, and slamming my fist through my wall. I definitely give this one a skip. “Shake It Up” This show has all the standard sins of cheap, poorly made, tween sitcoms. Bad acting, an overused canned laughter track, and two obnoxious main characters! But oddly enough, it’s also the most tense, unpleasant to watch of all the sitcoms. It’s about these two girls playing background dancers in a show called ‘Shake It Up’. But this show has a really dark undertone. I swear the actors in this show despise each other. Redhead: Oh, I would so kill you to be on that show. Zendaya: Oh, I would so let you! PhantomStrider: The actors just seem so passive-aggressive to one another. It makes the show absolutely excruciating to watch. I really like dancing in shows, but watching these two girls dance makes me want to saw my own legs off. There’s just this pure bile of hatred emanating from them. I don’t blame them, they’re probably working under terrible conditions, but I swear one of these girls is gonna crack any second and turn on the camera. And the costumes are bizarre! When the mother first walked in, I couldn’t figure out if she was playing as a cop or a dominatrix. These girls act horrendously, which is understandable at their age, but could they at least not look like they’re constantly going to kill each other? I mean when you look back at older Disney shows, like “Lizzie McGuire”, the teen actors looked relaxed; the tone felt pleasant. Hell, it actually looked like the kids were having fun. Redhead: You were supposed to snake left… Zendaya: No, you were supposed to snake right! PhantomStrider: I feel so bad for these kids because, more than any other Disney Channel sitcom I’ve ever seen, they look like they’re just dying inside. Definitely skip over “Shake It Up”. “Pickle and Peanut” Grandma: Bun-buns, and let this one slide, oh, please? That was traumatizingly ugly! I’ve never seen a show so perfectly mold being both weird and wrong at the same time! Where did this show come from? How could a company that is normally so safe in what it lets to public broadcast let this cheap, 12-ounce mouse impersonation loose? The animation is stupidfyingly lazy. The voicing is, once again, all done by two guys! (I think they’re speaking in tongues???) Just look at this animation! There was no effort or thought put into any of this! It looks like one of the executives got his kids’ preschool doodles and shoved them into a flash animator! This entire show is just alien to me. I can’t tell when they try to tell jokes or when they’re trying to be serious! I think what they were going for was a “teen Spongebob” as it has a lot of those random, unappealing live-action shots. And the teen lingo definitely puts it in the teen pandering category. DUCK FACE! “Pickle and Peanut” is this abysmal combination of ugly, lazy, tedious, teen-pandering, and gross somehow all rolled into one! That in itself is a great achievement! Hell, the voice actors even went and insulted critics of this show on Twitter for talking bad about it. It was just an ugly mess both inside and outside the show. This was one that Disney has desperately tried to seal away, and rightfully so! No other show on Disney fills me with so much hate! It is probably the most well-known Disney Channel show as it bred one of the greatest monsters in modern music. Well, here, we go… “Hannah Montana” This one is probably the most well-known of Disney pandering schlock! Singers have sung about it, critics have groaned about it. It is a high school girl fantasy that is so self-absorbed and manipulative that it is revolting. Oh, I just loathe this show… I hate the concept! I hate the ridiculously pandering story! I can’t stand the actors! Everything about this show feels like it’s trying to manipulate kids and give nothing back to them. In case you don’t already know, the story is Miley Cyrus is your “average” high school girl… except she is secretly the unquestioningly adored super mega star singer that every member of the human race worships. Hannah Montana! Including the adults! Where to start? To start with, Montana sings like a wailing undead banshee. Hannah: Who wants to hear another song? Adult: I do! Hannah: Me too! (Cyrus singing…send help…) Her singing is awful. It is the most tone-dead, mindless, vapid, aggravatingly empty teen pop garbage I’ve ever heard. I wouldn’t draw so much attention to her abysmal singing if every single person in the entire world in this show didn’t absolutely worship Hannah Montana! It’s like if 99% of the male population suddenly went from despising Justin Bieber to adoring him. The second problem: this show is so shamelessly manipulative of teenage girls, it makes “Twilight” look self-aware. (Cute boy enters, over the top fangirl screams, the usual) For third: the acting is horrendous! For fourth: why does no one catch on that this girl is hiding her identity? Why is every single member of the human population in this show so *biblically* stupid!?! A blonde wig doesn’t cover up the fact that your face, body, and voice are all the exact freaking same! She freaking sings that she is hiding her identity in her lyrics! That’s just…wow! For fifth: what is possibly relatable about this girl to 21st century teenagers? She is an over pampered celebrity singer with the power of auto-tune and a tone-deaf audience that unquestioningly worships her! It’s like if Paris Hilton wrote a best-selling biography on the challenges of poverty. For sixth: I can’t stand Miley Cyrus, and her ego shows in every aspect of this show! Hell, it shows in every aspect outside the show. Even outside of Hannah Montana, she’s a very dislikable, egocentric singer who exclusively sings about how wonderful she is. For example…I don’t know…what this is! It’s just… every type of wrong in the known universe. This is a woman who literally feeds off the controversy, bile, and hate her songs create. Monster Miley: LAUGH WITH ME! The hatred and anger her videos create fuel her career! Miley Cyrus is no longer a teen pop singer. Disney and cutthroat corporations have slowly tranformed her into something else entirely. A monster that thrives on the hatred and anger of others in order to survive. And the corporation that molded and created this monster was Disney. I’m sure Disney has messed up a lot of kids, but they single-handedly destroyed Miley Cyrus. “Hannah Montana” wasn’t a mistake that Disney hid away. It was a fully intentional, massive, manipulative crapfest that was meant to be everything it was. It did more damage than any of the other shows, and Disney knew it. And I consider it easily the absolute WORST Disney Channel show of all time. If Walt Disney was still around to see this pandering, manipulative, self-absorbed rebel on his network, I think we can all safely assume he would be horrified. It is a show that goes against everything that he envisioned for Disney. I on’t know who or what came up with the Disney Channel, but I don’t think many of us think of the lousy tween channel and we hear the word Disney. I personally think of the Disney movies. Which is filled with classic animation that molded and shaped me and many others growing up. At heart, these bad Disney Channel shows are harmless and there’s very rarely any bad messages behind these shows. So, I say if the younger viewers like it, let them enjoy it. It may not be my cup of tea, but I’m glad they can enjoy them. Do you think I missed a few shows? There were a few I did leave off. So, feel free to let me know in the comments. As always, thanks for watching and I’ll see you next time.