Episode: Runaway Bark I
By mrmeatman. So the last time I had anything to say, I was inside an apartment building, when all of the sudden the police showed up. Turns out, one of my victims of the previous tenants had a daughter.
Yummy! And she witnessed me slaughtering her mama and papa, the. Proceeded to hide in the bathroom. I hope she heard the sound of me eating her dead parents’ flesh. Also yummy! And so then the police or whatever showed up on my door, interrupting my Meatman Storytime video.
I should tell you guys about that encounter. I should tell you guys about that encounter.
So the police show up, and basically I kill them all. ….
…. …Yeah! So after slaughtering the police, I hear a scream amidst the corpses. There’s that parentless mistake again. I correct that accident with a swift meaty punch to the brain. KERPOW!
And now all I hear is silence…. …:.
I don’t like silence. Oh but then again there are those sirens going off below.
…. I don’t like them neither…. So I think I gotta leave the apartment building.
So I run up to the roof of the apartment building. Jump! And land on the roofs of some more cop cars, with more cops down there. I think my toesies land on some of em cops.
Mmm, toesies. I squish my toesies, hearing screams cries alongside the smushes. Roaring blistering screaming, that gasp for air, for life. That find nothing at the end of it all. And stop of scream. And cease of terror.
Death, forever, the cure the their cries… Whoopso! So anyways I begin to escape the area, and run down a road right next to this apartment place. You know, when you eat a lot, you just gotta take a jog to burn off them calories, not that I don’t mind them calories. When it comes to me, I think bigger is better. People with more calories means more meat on their bones. And more meat on their bones means more meat.
And I like meat.
Also, I myself has got a lot of meat on the bones. I myself am something like 11 foot 4 inches high or somethin by now. Mrmeatman is a big boy!
This is why I hunger. Anyways, so I’m running and running down this lil path right up on the side of the apartment. There’s lots of cars on it. They go by. They see me, they either speed up, or stop in fear. Some of em scream.
Yep, it’s the typical reaction to seeing a celebrity. Sometimes I go up to the ones who stop and I shove my head through the glass, and I say.
“Yes, it really is me. The real mrmeatman. Famous youtuber and man of meat.”
And then they really start screaming, ah ha~ha! Anyways, I’m running and running, all these cars going past my way. And wouldn’t you know it! Just a few minutes into my jog, I hear those stupid annoying police sirens again. I look back, and there they are.
Blue and white, flashing red.
I make a scowl, and growl in disgust. I pause, momentarily, and twist my whole body back.
Right off the bat, I punch the ground. This causes a big ol dent in the pavement. Not big enough I’m afraid, because a cop car driving right for me drives right over that hole. And then he hits me.
That stupid cop car hits me! I’m, well, I’m kinda pissed. But just as I’m hit, I extend my meatyness forward, and land onto the car. I punch the car window a few times, breaking it.
Defenseless, the cop screams. I stab that silly cop guy in the brain with my signature “Meatman Stab” attack. Driverless, the cop car drives out of control, before crashing into a silly ol tree.
SMASH! That tree breaks into two!
And the car explodes into pieces! Now that’s a crazy conundrum, I say!
So anyways, uh, at this point in time, them cops still keep chasing me. Annoying me with their sirens and all!
I do not like that. In fact, I begin to feel like a victim.
A victim, of bullying.
I should say this, but I hate bullies.
I despise bullies. I do not like bullies. And I would rip a bully’s throat out without mercy, given the chance.
So yeah, I do not like bullies. And it was clear to see that I was experiencing some “bullying”.
Now, the big thing is, what to do? Yeah! What, to, do.
Well! I’d recently actually watched a video about bullying, and how to deal with those silly ol rascals. Did you guys know that if you are experiencing “Bullying,”, the greatest course of action to take is to “Ignore the bully.” So I thought.. okay! I gotta just ignore them bullies! Then everything’ll be okay! And so, I continued to run, while ignoring the bullies!
So anyways, I ignore them bullies, and ignore them, and ignore them. Eventually, the concrete roads lead into a forest.
And even in there, I was ignoring them bullies!
And yet….. yet….! They still followed, all the while, now shooting their lil ol guns at me. So them cops was chasing me. And, for a pretty long time! So long, that quite eventually I began to get just a bit fed up. You know, just s bit. Not too much. Just a bit. So I wained just a lil bit of my speed as one of em came coming. And I, stuck out my foot. Car goes past me. WHOOPS! Trips over my foot (which I’d just so happened to morph into a ramp). Car drives.
Starts to fly a lil bit.
Get some air time, you know. Then crash and burn in a fiery explosion.
So, you know, WHOOPS!
Another cop car rushes towards me. Pulls up right alongside me.
He gets a good look at my face.
I got a good look at his. I still have that face memorized. One day I’ll track his family down and murder them all. I mean, anyways, so I thought, these humanses are pretty smart. Maybe they can learn, Empathy, Respect, Fear, and Compassion. Maybe this was all a misunderstanding. That this was all just a friendly game to them, and they didn’t mean no harm in shootin me and all. You know, a lack of communication. No place of contrivement for any means of peaceful resolve. Everything and everywhere needs to start some place, ya know! And who better than me didn’t know that! I mean, knew that! And so I was yellin at them cops a lil something. Just tellin them, “Hey, could you please stop chasing me? I’d really appreciate it, thanks.”
Though…. I guess I should admit something. I.. well, I guess I should say I ain’t the most politest guy out there. So, whilst I was tellin em to stop, I mighta been a lil bit hard with my words. And.. ya know, said something a lil more crass than “Please stop.”
Something more like… “I’M GONNA FU**ING KILL YOU!”
“I’LL RIP OUT YOUR ENTRAILS AND SPLICE YOUR BLEEDING SKIN LIKE CONFETTI!!”
“ALL OF YOU, WILL, DIE!!!” So, you know.. maybe I ain’t not the mostest politest guy in da world! Blame me for being a little rude, sure. But they was askin for it!
Also, I always keep my promises.
Another cop car comin up at me! I slam a fist down. Smash the driver’s seat to pieces.
Pull my fist back, and watch that car spiral out of control. Another cop car be comin, I roar. It comes right past me, I extend my neck, and launch my jaws right at it. Rip off the car’s top, alongside the heads of the lil cop guys inside. I don’t even hear screaming on that one. Kinda sad, tbh.
Tbh means, To Be Honest. If you didn’t know that, well now you know! 🙂
Now after that last stunt, I think the cops started getting a lil bit more smarter, it seems. And a lot more annoying! Because now they’re keeping range from me, but still shooting at my meaty flesh, with their long ol snipers now. Ugh!
First pistols. Now snipers? Can a meatman ever just get a break? I swear, I’m gonna need lotsa reparations for this one! So there’re these bullets and all comin at me. Shoot me in the head a lil bit an all. My meaty shtuffingses are getting booked and brooked.
Now at this point, I am very annoyed. Next bullet that comes right at me! I lean my head to the side, and catch it with my teeth.
I say, “NOW YALL ARE FUDGED!” I swivel my head right round, and launch that bullet back!
It flies very fast! I mean, not Mach 10 fast. That’s too fast!
But very fast! The bullet flies, and hits a cop car.
Cop car, EXPLODES! INTO ASH! The other cop cars – they know what’s up. They back, away. And now I’m runnin homestretch. Full and free!