♫ eerie, eastern-sounding music ♫ ♫ cheery, upbeat music ♫ (angry customer yelling through headset) Well I mean…uh
well, OK (groans) What’s up Jesus,
you all right? Too many Hanukkah burgers? Huh, hanukkah burgers, that’s not even a… Oh, uh, hey…Missy! No it’s the people.
♫ harp plays ♫ They don’t hear me. The people? Urgh. It’s just that I can’t close a sale and… I promised Buddha that we’d go on this trip to Mexico… but now I’m thinking I might not even win the sales contest. Win? Jesus, have you seen your sales figures? We have sales figures? Yes Jesus, have you not seen the board? How is it you still work here? Huh? Umm, OK. Well you’re only short about
ninety-five hundred dollars. Hey, that’s not bad. …of a ten-thousand dollar target. (gags, chokes) (moans) Hm. Right. Anyways Jesus, um, barring some kind
of hair-brained scheme or something… I don’t think this trip is happening for you guys. Chin up. So, in short Buddha, Missy thinks I’m retarded. What was that she said about a scheme? Wait, what? Who’s schemin’ who now? What the fuck is he doing here?
Was he in my bed? Was he in my bed!?? Oh yeah! I forgot to mention,
Ganesh was kicked out of his place. The whole…you know… (sounds of dogs barking and panting)
(sounds of mattress creaking) Yoink!
So what’s the scam? (elephant roar) (cough)
I’m in. Um, we need an illegal scam so that Jesus can win the
sales contest and he and I can go on this trip to Mexico! I never said scam, I… Oh right. You guys and your faggy little vacation. Wait! Hold on. I never said scam! Who invited you into this conversation anyhow? What’s it you guys need to move? Lawn care products.
Ten thousand dollars worth but… Yeah yeah yeah yeah I got it.
So we gotta come up with some kinda crazy, illegal, underhanded scam. What if we tip over post boxes? (crash)
Buddha, how’s that gonna help my sales? No, no, no. That’s good thinking Buddha.
It’s violent and it sends a message, heh heh. Oh I know. We can commit voter fraud.
That shit’s gangster! Guys! Seriously? Wait, wait, wait, I got it.
This week I work for the city’s Parks Department. You call my boss’s office tomorrow at ten a.m.,
He’ll be taking his morning dump. I’ll then sneak in and pick up the phone. You can then sell me ten thousand of your horseshit lawn care products please! (claps)
Piece of cake. Yaaaay! (laughs) No, no. Wait. Wait. Hold on.
What if all I did was simply change up my sales pitch? You know something like… (singing) Hey it’s Jesus. How have you been?
How would you like your lawn looking real green? Wow! Uh, I love you buddy but,
That was terrible. Here’s the catch though,
we do this little swindle… (shrieks) Yeah, I’m coming on the trip (bong smashes) No, no, no, no. No deal. I can’t… Woohoo!
We’re all going to Mexico! More like we’re all going to prison. (cheering) ♫ suspenseful music ♫ How the hell did we end up here? Uh, are we in prison? Yeah. We’re in prison!
Thanks Ganesh. Now we’re in prison! Oh yeah. Blame me!
Look tipping the postboxes was Buddha’s idea. We’re doing twenty-five to life! (groans) What do we do now? Ooo. I think we get raped! What!? What does that even mean? Heya boys.
How y’all all doin? Let’s see what we got on the menu today. Hmmmmm OK! We’re gonna start you off with some hand-holdin. Let’s see uh… We’re all gonna touch butts. Ah! And then you got your nutterboatin. That’s a good one there …followed with some sex up the “you know” and, uh, maybe a Katherine Heigl movie or something like that. Nutterboating? (stammers)
Um, none of that sounds pleasant. Oh. I love Katherine Heigl! Haggle? Higel? Is it Higel? Yeah, no she has real star appeal but… How do we avoid the whole rape thing though!? (kissy sound) Agh!!! Oh. We could join a gang. Maybe they’d protect us from the rapes! OK. Let’s uh…let’s join a gang! ♫ suspenseful music building ♫ Are there options, or uh, what do we got here? ♫ suspenseful music crescendos ♫ (grunt noises) Hey man. (foreign language) OK, well, there’s my people. I’ll catch you fools later. How’s it goin vatos? Oh I like your ink! He’s not even hispanic. (snaps fingers)
Welp, that’s me. (jungle noises) (whining) Oh no. (evil laugh) Hi! Hello. Agh! Uh… Would it kill you to come over? Hey. Come over.
We’re havin a dance. ♫ Klezmer music playing ♫ Ah. Ahem. Um.
Did we get issued toothbrushes? (chorus of “heys”) ♫ Klezmer music transitions into creepy dissonant chord ♫ Oh my god! What a nightmare! (shriek)
Agh! No, please! Oh. Hey. I forgot to mention, I’ve been using your toothbrush. Yeah, the bristles on mine are too hard. Keep ripping open the old gum herpes. (alarming scream noise) Sharesies? (loud vomiting) Fuck. Nasty dude. Here. Brush your teeth. ♫ heavy rock music ♫ (music stops)
Hey. Forgot to mention I’ve been using your toothbrush. The bristles on mine are too hard. They keep ripping open… (bursts into laughter) OK. Ahem. ♫ hard rock music resumes ♫