Ow! Owwwww! *pained noises* I’m telling! Aw, fudge! Seifer, what did you do?! He hit me across the face, and…
now I have a sexy scar! – Seifer! Naughty stool!
– Ha-ha! I don’t wanna be on the naughty stool. I don’t wanna! Welcome to Balamb Garden! We have the best facilities money can buy to provide your children with the training that will mold them into our nation’s top soldiers! *CRUNCH*
*nom* Ignore that. *buuuurp* You know, the boys usually choke on this test when I take them. I guess my charm makes them nervous. Oh, really? Why is that? No reason. Well done! You’ve defeated a malevolent and powerful deity! You’re now able to take the final exam mission. Dude! If you can summon things like that, why do you need an army of teenagers?! Uhhh… Okay. For your final exam mission against actual enemy soldiers with guns and armored vehicles, you’ll be paired up with the guy who fights with his fists and the guy that tried to kill you less than 24 hours ago and has failed the SeeD exam multiple times. *sigh* Are you serious? No, I’m Quistis! Silly Squall! Where did you get your teaching degree?! Okay, guys. This is the plan. These are strict orders we have to follow to – F*ck the rules! I’m Seifer, bitch! *sigh* Okay, whatever Seifer does, don’t do that. Start the f*cking engine! Hasta la vista, baby!
*pew pew pew* Ho-hoh! The results are in! Squall, Selphie and Zell, you’ve passed, baby! Did I pass? You defied direct orders, didn’t wear the proper uniform, and cost us the whole mission because you were bored. Were you even trying? – You’re the best-looking guy here.
– Oh, shut up, you. Ha ha ha ha. What the hell, man? Why would you give a teenager a lamp with a dangerous monster inside?! The same reason I started this school to train kids to kill each other: it’s hilarious! They tried to keep us apart, my love. But no longer will I go without your sensual touch against my skin. I want you inside me. Hey, Zell, we’re about to hit… – Oh my God, what are you doing?!
– Get out! This is my me time! – Squall, what are you doing?
– I’m drawing magic! Yeah! That’ll come in handy in a pinch, right? That’s… not how it works. Uh, you wanted to see us? Ho-hoh! Why do they call it “Final Fantasy” when it’s never final? They should have called it “Never-the-Final Fantasy”! Er… do you have a mission for us? Ho-hoh! I raise children to kill people! I’m like Kony, but I’m lovable! He can’t say that… can he? Ho-hoh! Most people divorce their wife! I got funding from a monster to build an army of kids to kill mine! And most people call their ex-wife a real bitch! Well, mine’s a real witch! We’re… gonna go. Please don’t. I’m so lonely. Okay. Now that we’ve invaded enemy territory and successfully run away without really accomplishing anything, we’re fully qualified to liberate another nation from Galbadian rule! And now for something completely different!
*flop x3* Time for the only thing people like from this game! *SWEET RAVE PARTY* I’m Laguna, by the way. – I’m Rinoa. I’m a member of the resistance.
– Hello, Contrived Coincidence. I’m Squall. You fools! You fell for it! *morphing noise of evil*
HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW Dave. Dude. We’ve been over this; you can’t be in a Final Fantasy game. Come on. I hear there’s a casting call for Resident Evil 8. This way. *sigh* Guys, you don’t have to match my speed and pace precisely. Guys, cut it out! It looks f*cking stupid! Stop copying me! ‘Sup, world? We’ve found a way to achieve world peace. And by “world peace”, I mean “no one will bother to oppose us because we basically have a nuke.” *evil chuckle* Meet our new ambassador: Edea the sorceress. Uh, sir? Broadcasting hasn’t worked in over 17 years. No one has the means to watch this broadcast or even know it was going to happen. I see. Then post a Facebook status. Everybody betrayed me! I’m fed up with this world! *poof of evil* Hey, kid. Wanna be my knight and take over the world? Is the series growing stagnant and running out of ideas? What? `*sigh* Yes, I’ll join you. – *notification whistle x4*
– Well, #F*ckBalambGarden is trending thanks to Seifer. We should take refuge at Galbadia Garden. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Time out, time out! We’re taking refuge at the place where they train people wanting to kill us? Nope! First we’re all going to fall asleep!
*flop x3* Well, this could’ve gone better. It turns out the president’s talk of peace is actually a cover-up for world domination. Uh, DUHHHHHH. So we’re going to lend you our sniper so you can kill the sorceress for us. – I’m a sniper! Pew pew!
– Of course you are. Even though you were directly tasked with this assassination, you’re not allowed in until you can prove yourself. Go fight these two minotaurs and bring me back a code. Dick. *splat* Lowlives. Shameless, filthy wretches. How you celebrate my ascension with such joy, hailing the very one you’ve condemned for generations! Have you no shame?! She just killed the president and called us wretches! Why are you cheering?! We’re gonna build a wall and make Timber pay for it! MAKE GALBADIA GREAT AGAIN! *bang* *forcefield zap of plot convenience* Welp, that’s my whole character’s premise invalidated. Hmm. Time to get me some hookers and scotch! Yee-haw! Just sleep it off. You’ll be fine! Please… uh… insert… disc… *gasp* t-two… *dying noises* *flop* Squall, you’re pitiful. Take him away! – Awww, they’re adorable!
– Don’t “awww” them! Fear me! *pew pew pew pew* *bang* Did somebody order an annoying jailbreak? ♫ How did you get out?! Hah. I’m rich and white. I got my dad to buy our way out. *general panic* What the hell happened here?! Ho-hoh. How should I know? The game doesn’t even explain it properly! Long story short, I pissed off my financier and now he’s declared himself the leader of Garden! Okay, but there’s kind of like… a lot of missiles about to blow the place up. – So literally none of that matters!
– Oh, that’s easy! Watch this! Ho-hoh! *pop* *boom* *splash* Pretty neat, huh? Anyhoo, go kill Master NORG! I am Master NORG. I only care about the profits of running an army. *sigh* You went to THIS guy for funding? Geez, no wonder your wife turned evil. My chin looks like a gigantic nutsack. Yeah, about those weird dreams you’ve been having? They’re actually the past, and they have something to do with me. Bye! At least buy a man dinner before you mindf*ck him like that. I’m Ellone, by the way. *panicky noises* *splash* *general panic continues* *boom* *screeching* *rumbling* Who is responsible for that gigantic monstrosity?! Oh, sh*t! Uh… hey, Squall, you’re the new leader of SeeD! I… am? Sweet! Ho-hoh! *sassy Squall* Uh-huh! You don’t know me! Then let me get to know you! No. *turtle mode activate* *flop* *sigh* Why does it feel like we’re not getting stronger at all? – Now why didn’t we think of this in the other games?
– If they can level up, so can we! Angelo Cannon! *Gun of Animal Cruelty fires* *yip*
*splat* Ewwww… oops. What the f*ck is wrong with you?! – Can we go to Trabia Garden?
– Haha, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Hold up. You’re telling me we all just happened to be raised in the same orphanage – – even those of us who came from completely different regions – – who just happened to join the team, by… chance. Including the teacher and my nemesis? And we were raised by the same sorceress we’re all trying to defeat? And we all just happened to conveniently forget this because we sometimes use summoned monsters? I mean, that’s ridiculous in its own right… But it made us specifically forget what should be a HUGE part of our lives in particular. *sigh* I mean… How does using a summoned monster even make you forget things anyway? Okay, I get it. It’s not as good as VI or VII. Just… just roll with it, okay? Over there! Run to the left and look hilariously out of place with the background CGI! *boom* *flop* Oh. That was… easy. War’s over. Yay! *Rinoa noise of contrived sorceress possession* Ugh, what now?! *revival noise of evil* Nyah! Run away! A sorceress from the future called Ultimecia was controlling me. – I’m a good guy now.
– Uh… huh. Thanks for not killing my wife. I am getting laid tonight! – No… you’re not.
– Ho-hoh. Huh. You know, now that she’s unconscious and not talking all the time… I think I might actually love her. – The f*ck is wrong with you?
– I dunno. Time for another Laguna dream!
*flop x2* I wonder what stupid thing he’s doing now! Hollywood, baby! Of course… So… where’s Ellone? We left her with you guys. She jumped ship and went to Esthar. Terrific. And Esthar is… A futuristic city that cut off access to the rest of the world. Aww, ffffffffffffU- *flop* Finally! Esthar City! Aw, come on!
*flop x2* Boy, you suck at staying awake. *annoying slurp* Stop cutting to me just when the story gets interesting! Now if you’ll excuse me… Jailbreak rave! *SWEET RAVE PARTY AGAIN* *Seriously, why is “The Man With the Machine Gun” not the main battle theme?* These guys are Kiros and Ward, by the way. I am ze famous Doktor Odine! I understand you vant to be free from ze Ultimecia? You look like you’re from the Edo Japan era and have a German accent? Seriously, where did you get a German accent? Are you not more concerned zat I indirectly caused all ze conflict in zis game? No! Germany and Japan don’t exist in this world! Good day, sir! ESSEN MEIN SCHEIßE!
(Yup, that means exactly what you think it does.) *sigh* Okay, where’s Ellone? We sent her into space. So this very dangerous sorceress is just kept in orbit where anyone with a spacesuit can reach her and break the seal? You don’t think you might want to have abandoned her in deep space or fire her sealed body into the sun so she wouldn’t have time to transfer her powers before she’s burnt to a crisp? Relax, man! The only way she’s getting out of that seal is if a Sorceress from the future, who really wants Adel free, possesses someone in our time to break past security and unlock the seal themselves! We covered all our bases!
*enter Contrived Coincidence, stage right* Hey… where’s Rinoa? Okay, Squall. This is it. You only get one chance to catch her, so don’t… *Squall does* F*ck! Oh, boy. She’s not going to let me hear the end of this one. We need to defeat these different-colored aliens in the correct pairs to use the elevator. Whyyyyy? And, uh… Oh yeah, the Galbadian military is controlling Lunatic Pandora. They excavated it from the ocean where Esthar sank it years ago. Inside the Lunatic Pandora, there’s this thing called the Crystal Pillar. It calls monsters from the moon. The monsters came falling from the moon, total panic down here. It wasn’t just monsters that came falling down. Sorceress Adel came down along with the machine that can find her. I guess the stream of falling monsters engulfed the machine. Lunatic Pandora caught Adel from that stream. Doctor Odine thinks that might have been Galbadia’s true intent. – What?!
– Uh, nothing. I just never thought I’d hear so much exposition coming from White Tyson. – Hot dogs and super positive energy!
– That’s more like it! Squall, what are you doing?! We have to save Rinoa! Rinoa can wait. I am playing cards. It’s funny ’cause you should be saving ze vorld. But seriously, bro, you should go save your bitch. – You saved me!
– Yeah, well, it was kind of your own fault. You agreed to be sealed away! Aww. Silly Squall, that’s a strange way of saying “I love you”! This was a mistake. – I’m the President of Esthar!
– Of course you are. Aaaand that’s my story arc complete! Oh, I might also be your dad. Bye!
*cartoonish zip noise of avoided parental responsibility* So… Ultimecia can only send her mind back in time because of the machine Doctor Odine builds? Zat is correct. I see a simple solution here. – *stab noise of solving time paradox*
– Scheiße! *flop* Time paradox solved. (wrong game, dude) Oh, Adel… You have been hurt, that much is true. Who hurt you? Mwahahahahaha!
I have Rinoa strapped to my chest! You can’t – you WON’T hurt me! Mwahahaha! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
Why did I bait them?! *dying noise* Thanks a lot, guys. Okay, guys, we’re going to the future! *zap of movie reference* What the…? Squall, you’ve got to come with me! Back to the future! Yeah, that’s what I said! To go stop Ultimecia! No, no, the whole Ultimecia thing turns out fine! Time Compression, lotta weird sh*t happens, but it all works out somehow. It’s the future of the series, Squall. Something’s got to be done about the future of the series! Why? What happens? Final Fantasy XIII gets two sequels! Great Scott! Kurse all SeeDs. Swarming like lokusts akross generations. You disgust me. The world was on the brink of that ever-elusive Time Kompression. Your vain krusade ends here, SeeDs. Why are you saying words with a hard K instead of a C? Seriously, go play this part of the game! All of the C’s are swapped with K’s! It’s weird! I have a hole in my face. Okay, let’s wrap this turd up. So we’ve got Irvine looking for a sexual harassment lawsuit… Robin Williams with his hot wife… Seifer and his gang are… nice now and enjoy fishing? I dunno. There’s Zell finally getting his hot dogs… And now he’s dead. Okay, we’ve got Rinoa pointing at something… Aaaand the battery’s dead. That’s all, folks! This is the place. – Wait, this is…
– Where it all started. Oh, this is right next to my game! I’ll just get off here. Where do you think you’re going? You’re too deep in this now, Gordon! I’m Gordon, by the way. There he is. Him? But he was a main character! He’s not one of us! He had at least eight lines! He holds the key to all of this! The key? What key?
Tell me your secrets! I’ll tell you all about it in the car! – Wait, where did it go?
– It was a joke prop. It popped out of existence when it filled its purpose as a Back to the Future parody. Aww, F*CK! Right. Well, this game had time travel. We’ll figure something out. You grab his legs. Yuffie, you follow silently behind us. If you’re looking for help with time management, you could go talk to a wall… or you could try these audiobooks, narrated by yours truly! Well, not actually me, but it’ll be like I’m reading it to you!