Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 11th annual Nobel Prize Awards ceremony! Here’s your host: Neil deGrasse Tyson! Thanks for coming out everyone. You know, I just flew in from the 21st Century, and whoa … are my tachyons tired! But I digress… … or should I say “deGrasse”?? We’re joined tonight by people of many different cultures but none so cultured as our first set of nominees. For most foreign film in a petri dish, we have… Alexander Flemming for his “repelling” applications of penicillin. Eduard Buchner for his improvements in the field of fermentation. And Barry Marshall. A man with the guts to drink his own experiments… … and the ulcers to prove it. Personally, I prefer the technical awards. They just seem less pretentious. And now, presenting the awards this evening is a man who needs no introduction: His royal majesty King Gustaf V. Welcome, welcome everybody. Marshall! You good? Oh, well I guess he’s disqualified. But we’ll let him stick around for in memoriam! Thank you. Alright, with no further ado the Nobel Prize goes to… Alexander Flemming for Penicillin. So, uh, what are we up for? Nikola’s up for “Maniacal Engineering” and Marie is nominated for one of the real awards. Oh snap! Recognition for Lady Science! Let’s not make a big deal out of that. It is a little inspiring. I mean the male-to-female ratio here is exceptionally non-Fisher. Huh … tell me about it! I have to beat em off with a stick. Heh heh heh … “beat em off”. Champagne madam? Move along Romeo. Goddamn pervert. Well I’m just glad that a woman is finally getting recognized for her work. Well said Einstein! So progressive! Way to break ground and lead the way into an era of equality. I’m proud of you Albert. I’ve won before. It’s really not a big deal. Shhh shhhh shush … it’s my category!! Many scientists try to push the boundaries of what is possible but only a few choose to push the boundaries of what is responsible. Here are your nominees for Maniacal Engineering. Konrad Zuse for his electro-maniacal computer. Nikola Tesla for his Apple-Powered Doomsday Device. And Thomas Edison for his Pear-Powered Doomsday Device. And the Nobel Prize goes to… In failure to find a suitable candidate this year, no Nobel Prize shall be awarded in this category. What?? Stupid … dumb … Edison … his … legs … Now our next nominees have so much chemistry, that even at -273.15°C… They’re O K! Ladies and gentlemen, your nominees for the Nobel Prize in Chemistry: Marie Curie, for her discovery of the elements Radium and Polonium. The nazis. For their development of All-Natural Nazi-Brand Hitlerbot Fuel. And Little Philipp for his adorable Volcano Project. Just look at him. His parents must be so proud. And the Nobel Prize in Chemistry goes to… Marie Skluduffss… Skloduv… Sklodofska… Marie Curie! This is ridiculous … unbelievable … booo Nobel Prizes! This is your fault … this is YOUR fault! He’s YOUR son … well who the hell is Carol? It’s “Skłodowska”. On to our next category… Who here is a fan of infectious diseases? Surprise! Look at banner Hitlerbot! We lost. No! There there. We all did our best, okay? And if they don’t want to recognize that, then shiza! Let’s just steal the awards! Yay! Go nazis! Nazis! Nazis! Nazis! Great work! Absolutely outstanding work. All right, who’s next? And now for outstanding work in the field of chemistry. I present the Nobel Prize to Nazi 34! Hey! That’s you. Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. Congratulations 34. Great work! Okay, that’s everyone right? Ya? Actually, I don’t think they got an award. What? What are you talking about? Who doesn’t have an award? Is it you? Well what the hell happened? The last two awards … well … ours our with… The Super Science Friends! Oh! Well that’s not a problem. I’m sure a room full of Nobel Prize winning scientists can figure something out. Here comes Tesla… …and whoosh! Priceless! Play it again! Guten tag Super Science Friends. Ah liquorice sticks! Nazis! What the devil are you doing here? Your Nobel Prizes. Give them to us. Mine? Never! You’ll have to pry my Nobel Prize in Literature from my cold dead hands! Yeah … we’re after the real Nobel Prizes. Now give us Curie’s Nobel Prizes, or we will be forced to to take them from her! By … by force. Huddle in! There’s no way those filthy nazis are getting their hands on your medals! No one’s even going to get near them. Just leave it to us. The men! We should just give them the prizes. She’s delirious with fear! Ma’am, you’re too close to the situation. Just let us handle this. I’m going to distract them, you guys get Marie out of here. Right! No, just give them the … ah! Never give in! Never give in! Never! Never! Never! Listen, uh … Marie’s not sure where they are right now. It’s been a really long day. And she’s tired. And she’s got a “headache”. P… M… S… Times up! Fire! Curie go! This is no place for a lady! Gentlemen, charge! Ahhh. This takes me back … to the days of trench warfare. Yeah, me too. Patching up wounded idiots. Oh? I forgot you were field nurse. A doctor. Yowch! I got it! Guys! Just listen to me! No way! Your Nobel Prizes are too important! Priceless symbols for women everywhere! That’s so true Freud. And I have to say. Way to stand up for the respect of women. The ladies of the science community deserve a voice. And you, Freud, are that voice. Just give them the uh… Sir. They aren’t surrendering. Call in the Hitlerbot. Bring him in. Over. Looks like someone’s going to have to teach this thing some manners. Could we stop with the machismo?? Uhhh… That is no way to treat a lady! Aw, for god’s sake. Don’t worry guys! I got this! Get em! Stay back! You idiots! At least use your powers! Hey, I’ve got a brilliant idea… Let’s give them the f*cking awards. Ah, I knew it! Stockholm Syndrome. Tell me … were you recently in Sweden? We all were! You are an idiot. And if we give them the awards this will all end. Defending the defenceless! Goddammit… Here, just take them. And the Nobel Prizes in both Physics and Chemistry go to… Nazi 27 and Nazi 83! Congratulations you two. Amazing work. Do … do you get it? “0K” is zero Kelvin! Ha. Whoa. Uhhh … maybe we should go to your place instead. Ahhhh … I get it now! You don’t need an award to validate your accomplishments. Your self-worth isn’t tied to public acknowledgement. So by handing them over, you showed the nazis that you were above their antiquated values. Thus taking the moral victory. Yeah, maybe. That, or everything I touch becomes horribly irradiated. By the way, you’re probably all sterile. Tesla … you look “shocked”!